Gluteus Maximus, Pun Intended

STORY BY Emily Kirkpatrick

Published: August 13, 2013

Breaking news in first world problems: Men just can’t seem to keep their pants up. And no, I don’t mean in an Anthony Weiner sex scandal kind of way; men are apparently literally incapable of keeping their pants fastened around their midsections.

According to aNew York Times article from a few weeks ago, adult men are seeking increasingly extreme measures to counteract the jean industry’s lowering waistbands and their own expanding pot bellies and flattening posteriors. Modern males are being forced to suffer for the sake of fashion, much like their female counterparts have been doing for centuries. Because of the low-rise jean trend, Men are being forced to wear tighter pants and belts around their hips, underneath their bellies instead of cinched around them. This method is effective in keeping inadvertent flashings at bay, but results in some uncomfortable sitting situations and some pretty unflattering plumber’s crack. Welcome, at last, to the post Britney Spears Slave 4 U world of fashion, gentleman.

But men refuse to take this sartorial outrage sitting down! The Times article profiled a number of men who are choosing instead to undergo an elective cosmetic surgery that takes fat from their stomachs and injects into their rear. The operation gives these men something substantial to hold up their clothing, while also allowing them to drop a few pant sizes without the words “liposuction” or “butt implants” ever being mentioned.

The NYT piece quotes Jeff Vickers, a married father of four working in construction in Virginia, who got the surgery last year, saying, “I’ve always had a nonexistent butt, zero ... When I went in to the doctor, I said, ‘I’m not a girl so I’m not worried about having a table back there you could sit a coffee cup on,' ... I just wanted to be able to put on a pair of pants and for them to stay up.” Another man, Michael, couldn’t shape any approximation of a derriere no matter the quantity of squats or lunges he undertook, until his wife bought the $8,500 surgery for him as a gift. He now raves that his “jeans are more comfortable and look better...I feel more confident and synergistic.” And at the end of the day, what’s almost nine grand in the face of new found synergism?!

Butt enhancement and lipo is nothing new in the world of cosmetic surgery. After all, where would the majority of our female pop stars and celebrities be without it? Of course, if the elective procedure makes men feel more confident and comfortable, and they have the bonus bucks to spare, they should by all means go for it. However, that doesn’t mean I am required to feel pity or sympathy for these gentleman pursuing vain enhancement. In fact, if I can lodge a singular complaint against the masculine domain that seems to have finally been exposed to the type of social pressure and physical scrutiny that women have long silently endured, it would be this: Man the hell up.


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